Somewhere In the Middle
by Kirachu
Summary: An accident forces Omi to sort through his feelings. (Aya x Omi, Aya x Ken)


******Author's Notes:** Written for friends who are huge Aya + Omi fans. ^^; Very depressing. Enjoy in any case? 

===

Hospitals made him nervous. You would think, given that they were places meant to give people care and consideration, to be their homes away from homes in times of need, that they would have been made to be more of a comforting atmosphere. Unfortunately, they were anything but. People were rushed in and out like cattle, rooms were filled to the brim with sick, injured people, everything was nailed into place, the beds were hard and comfortable, the reception was always rude and cranky -- it was everything but comforting. It was loud and uncomfortable, and he was nervous. 

It was more than the discomfort of the hospital atmosphere. It was his reason for being there and the fact he was there at all. They did not go to hospitals. It was a rule Manx had made for them, that they never go to hospitals. Their wounds would bring up too many suspicious questions from doctors, and when they were not given the answers they expected, police would be involved. Manx assured them that Kritiker had an extremely skilled doctor on their payroll that could be counted upon to care for the injuries that the four of them could not take care of themselves, but in this case they had no choice. Aya would have died. 

And was still at risk of it, if the lack of attention the doctors paid them was any indication. Omi had taken to passing, hands shoved into the pockets of his shorts. He was still dressed in his mission clothing. Luckily none of it was suspicious enough that he would gain more than a raised eye. Most people would think he was just some teenager trying to make a strange fashion statement before they would think him a seventeen-year-old assassin. 

He was alone in his pacing. Aya had been rushed to the emergency room when Omi and Youji had brought him in, and once he was sure that Aya was being seen to, Youji had gone to find Ken. That had been almost an hour before. Ken had run when he had seen what had happened to Aya, run like the demons of hell were on his heels, and no amount of calling by Omi and Youji could make him stop. Youji had come with him as far as the hospital and then left him alone to find Ken, if he could. A small part of him wished that Youji wouldn't find him. Ken was the last person he wanted to see. 

He drew his hands out of his pockets, feeling too restless to keep still. His fingers twitched anxiously, and he twisted them around the fabric of his shirt, needing to do something with them. He was still not sure what had happened. It had been too dark to see anything. There had been the sounds of rustling clothing, feet shuffling across the ground, and the _snikt_ of the bugnuks sliding open. And then there had been a painful, long silence... punctuated only by the sudden low moan of pain that slipped from Aya, followed by the sound of his body sinking to the ground. The lights had come on... and there was blood. So much blood. And then Ken had ran. 

Some of that blood was still on him. Several times nurses would pass him and ask him if he were wounded, but he only shook his head, saying the same thing over and over again. "No. Not me. My friend." They would offer their sympathies -- sympathies that meant nothing; he knew that working as they did, they were numbed to the pain of death -- and continue on their way. He was beginning to feel almost dirty, stained in blood that was not his own, and he wondered why it even bothered him. He was so often splattered in his own and of the people he killed, why should it make any difference when the blood belonged to Aya? 

His knees were beginning to feel weak, and he flopped into one of the uncomfortable plastic chairs in the waiting room, locking his hands before him and leaning forward, elbows on his knees. Youji was taking too long. He should have been able to find Ken by now, unless... Omi had not seen it happen, but he had heard it, and seen the four puncture wounds clear through Aya. Only the bugnuks could have made a wound like that. Or a particularly lethal rake. He laughed at the thought, but it was a strained, painful sound, that sounded hysterical to his own ears. 

Unless, he continued, Ken had attacked Youji as well. He wanted to stop the thought before it came, but came it did. Ken had attacked Aya. He may have attacked Youji as well. 

No. Omi shook his head. It had been dark. Ken had not been able to see what he was doing. He may have mistaken Aya as an enemy, thought something was coming toward him, and lashed out blindly. It had been a mistake; it had to be a mistake. He would not attack Youji, too. Or so Omi hoped. Hoped that he could have enough faith in his friend that he would not harm another one of them. 

Hands sliding up into his hair, fingers clamping tight in strands of blonde, his palms tight over his ears, he did not hear the sound of approaching footsteps. A hand touched his shoulder, and he flinched instantly from the touch, leaping nearly clear from his chair as he looked up wide-eyed into the concerned face of a doctor. Forcing his breathing to become controlled once again, he relaxed his nerves and gazed up at the doctor. 

"The man you came in with -- your friend? -- we have him stabilized." 

Omi stared up at him. "What does that mean?" 

The doctor smiled gently. Adults tended to do that around him, smile in that gentle way as though they expected him to break in two if they said one harsh thing to him. If the only knew what he saw nightly. They would have looked at him in an entirely different way. 

"It means he's not in danger of dying any longer," the doctor explained. "However, he very nearly did. We had to do some immediate surgery. Fortunately no major organs were pierced, but his left kidney was pierced through, and we were forced to remove it. He's rather heavily sedated now... I don't think he'll wake up until at least tomorrow morning." 

Omi nodded meekly. "Okay... well... can I come back then?" 

"Of course." The doctor gave him the room assignment, 204 in the ICU unit, and after a few brief words, left him alone. Omi leaned back in his chair and wondered what he was supposed to do. 

Youji said that he would meet him in the hospital once he was able to find Ken. Maybe he should wait for him. But it seemed pointless to remain in the hospital if he could not speak to Aya, much less see him... 

Shrugging, he stood. If Youji did come back to the hospital, he would be able to figure out that he had gone home, and would do the same. Omi did not want to wait around any longer when there was nothing keeping him there. He would just come back in the morning and see how Aya was doing... 

===

The hospital was no more eerie in the morning than it was at night. It was still the same uncomfortable atmosphere it had been before, only brighter this time with a false sense of cheer in the air. Omi walked through the halls, feeling completely lost. He was dressed in his school uniform, having come on his way to morning classes, clutching a small boutique of flowers in hand. Youji had insisted that it was rude to go to the hospital to visit a friend without at least bringing something along, even if that friend happened to be Aya, but Omi highly doubted that Aya would be very moved by the flowers. Still, Youji had gone to the trouble of making the arrangement. It seemed a waste to leave it behind. 

Youji had come back home nearing dawn. Omi had been half-asleep on the couch in the basement, but the sound of the door opening had instantly woken him up, wanting to see that Youji and Ken were both all right. But Youji came into the basement alone. He had been too tired to give all of the details, but said simply that he had not been able to find Ken, and would look for him again when he had the chance to get some sleep. Omi had offered to skip class and look for him as well, but Youji had said it would be too suspicious if combined with closing the shop for the day, which they were forced to do without enough workers to handle things, if Omi did not go to class as well. 

Youji had been awake when Omi had risen in the morning, and Omi surmised he had only had perhaps three or four hours of sleep at the most. Still, coffee likely spiked with a bit of alcohol seemed to be keeping him roused awake. He said that he would stay in the shop for a bit to explain to the early morning rush of girls that they would not be open for the day before he went looking for Ken. He had then shooed Omi out the door with the flowers intended for Aya. 

Omi glanced at room numbers as he passed through the ICU level. Finally his eyes located 204, and drawing in a breath, he entered the room. 

Aya looked as though he was asleep. His face was turned toward the open window, eyes closed, arms folded over his waist. IVs went from his arms to all the machines around him, testing his heart rate and respiration, and everything else that Omi was not able to recognize. He had never paid much attention when it had come to learning about medical terms and machines and all that rot. He knew how to take care of wounds, but that was the extent of his knowledge. 

He noted that Aya looked perfectly fine. Perhaps a bit more pale than usual, but other than that, he looked the same. It was below the covers that was another story. Omi was not sure he wanted to see that wound. 

Stepping more fully into the room, his sneakers made barely a sound as he shuffled in, but Aya heard him. His head turned, eyes slowly opening. Omi could tell that the doctors had him quite a bit doped up on painkillers. His normally bright, alert violet eyes were glazed over, both from sleep and the drugs being pumped into him. Still, Omi could tell that he was enough control to be able to recognize him and perhaps even speak to him. 

"Hi," Omi greeted. He realized he was tearing up the flowers, twisting his hands into their stems, and nervously, he lifted them to show Aya. "Youji-kun said that you should always bring something when you go to visit someone in the hospital." He placed them on a clear space on the moving table the doctors used to bring in meals and other necessities. Aya watched him as he did, eyes following his movements, but saying nothing. 

Omi drew up a chair and flopped into it. "So... how are you feeling?" 

Aya opened his mouth, but it took him a moment to be able to speak. He swallowed down hard and when he spoke, his voice was low and cracked. "Been better." 

"Have the doctors been in to see you?" 

He nodded. 

"So they explained everything?" 

Again, there was a nod. Omi offered him as much of a reassuring smile as he could muster. 

"It's really lucky just your kidney was damaged, you know, since you can live just fine with only one. If it'd be something else, well... it could have been a lot worse." 

"Where's Ken?" 

Omi drew in a breath at the sharp question. Of course... he would want to know where Ken was. He had not even thought of it before, being so concerned for Aya's well-being, not even thought for a moment that the person Aya would want to see would be Ken. Because Ken was the one person he cared for in the way the he cared for his sister, in the way that he only cared for those that were the most important to him... 

And Ken cared for him as well. Omi had not noticed in the beginning... not noticed the meaningful glances exchanged in the flower shop, not realized that when Aya would leave the shop not long after Ken would leave to coach the kids, that he was going down to the rec center to watch... he did not realize that when they walked back together, Ken laughing and cracking his ridiculous jokes, that the smile that would be on Aya's face meant anything at all... did not realize that Ken spent his nights with Aya in his room, sharing his bed... 

It had happened so suddenly and yet so slowly that Omi had not realized at all. Youji had known. Youji always knew. But he had never realized that it was more than friendship, that there was an underlying affection there. Not realized until it was too late. 

He was not jealous. He did not have the capacity to feel jealousy toward his friends, people he cared for as much as he did. What he felt was something much more profound, something much more painful. It was a feeling a loss, a void in him, as though... it had been something that could have been his own, but Ken had taken it away. 

But he did have the capacity to feel anger. Toward Ken, toward himself, anger toward Aya to ask for Ken now, when Ken was the one that had done this to him... 

"Don't know," he answered, and he was surprised by the nonchalant, empty tone of his voice. It was not like him. Not him. He could hide things so easily. He had hid his feelings for so longer, after all, now was too soon, too abrupt to begin cracking around the edges. 

"What do you mean?" Aya demanded. 

"I mean I don't know," Omi repeated, forcing his voice to remain level and cool. "He ran off. Youji went looking for him, but he couldn't find him. He's still looking for him now." 

Aya stared at him for one long moment that had Omi wanting to squirm under the harsh gaze before, with a small, barely heard sigh, he turned his face away to stare out the window. Omi felt something like regret well up within him. This would not have happened to Aya if it weren't for Ken. He knew that as much as they cared for one another, Ken was beginning to break. It was happening slowly, but it was happening. He was more and more eager for missions, more and more willing to be the one to take out the target, more and more lusting for the thrill of the hunt. The Ken they knew and cared for was beginning to slip away and be replaced. And Aya was too stubborn, too stupid to realize that he would be the one that would be hurt the most in the end. 

"He'll turn up," Omi muttered. "He always does." But he didn't want him to. 

Aya said nothing, and Omi knew that his words were not comforting. Why should he be comforting when Aya was making a mistake? He did not want to see either of them hurt, but Ken was beyond salvation -- Aya still had the chance. Ken would drag him down. Ken would take him down with him. Why could Aya not realize? Why was he so blinded? Because he loved him? Love was not about taking. It was not about ruining the other person, and that was what Ken was doing. He was ruining Aya. 

And this. Now this. He had done this, wounded him this badly, hospitalized him like this, and Aya asked for him. He asked for Ken. Why? Why the hell did he ask for Ken? 

"A-Aya... Ken, he's..." 

"I know." 

Omi lifted his head sharply. "What?" 

"Losing it," Aya confirmed simply. So simple. Ken was losing himself, that was what was happening, Aya realized it as well as Omi and Ken did. It was mere fact to him. So why? Why was he allowing himself to be taken down? 

"Why?" He burst out the question. Aya stared at him, not understanding what he was asking. Omi ran a hand distractedly through his hair and fumbled over his words. "Why do you... why do you let him do this? Why... do you let him pull you down like this..." He closed his mouth and glared down hard at his shoes. He had just said... the most ridiculous thing ever. 

Aya was silent for so long that he wanted nothing more than to curl up into a pathetic ball of misery and disappear from the face of the planet. Or maybe be eaten by the chair. Anything to be able to get away. 

"Mm, maybe... because I don't know any better..." 

Omi stared at him. "How can you even _say_ that if you _know_ it? You don't have to deal with this! You don't have to let him do this to you!" 

"But I don't care." 

It caught him off guard and he paused, not quite sure he had heard what he thought he had heard. "You don't care if he does this... you don't care if he hurts you like this?" 

"When he falls, someone needs to be there for him to fall on." 

"Even... even though... that fall's going to hurt you too..." 

"Yeah." 

Omi shook his head. "I don't understand." 

"Well, neither do I. And I wouldn't try if I were you. Probably'll just give you a headache like it does me." 

Aya making jokes. It was so ridiculous in the given situation that Omi smiled, but it was mirthless. He could not understand, and despite Aya's warning, he was trying. He wanted to be able to understand what would make a person so willing to crash and burn along with someone else. Had it been him... he did not know what he would have done. The way Aya felt for Ken... it went deeper than he had ever thought... deep enough that Aya would fall with him. Deep enough that Aya would be destroyed for him. 

That pang of loss, that void, it suddenly felt as though the chasm has widened. Aya belonged to Ken. Aya would never be free. And that hurt, more than knowing that he would always be Ken's, more than the void it made him feel. It hurt to know that Aya could not escape it... and it hurt more to think Aya did not want to. 

"You deserve better." 

"I deserve nothing," Aya said. "Not even him." 

"That isn't true." How could he make him see? Did Aya feel so much guilt, so much remorse for what they did as Weiss, he thought this was what he needed? He thought this was what he deserved? He didn't realize. He didn't realize that even doing what they did, there was more to life. There was a chance out there for him, a chance for all of them. Weiss was a job, it was not a state of being. Someday, they could leave it behind. 

Someday seemed so far away sometimes. 

"Aya, I care--" 

"Ran." 

He stopped. The voice was not his. Not Aya's. 

It was Ken. Voice punctuated by deep breaths drawn in quick and faltering, it was Ken that said his name -- his real name. Omi had never heard anyone say it. Never thought Aya would allow it... 

There he was. He stood in the door, arm pressed against its frame, perspiration dotting his face. He had run all the way here, it was obvious. Still dressed in his mission clothing, still marred with blood, he looked almost foreign. Omi saw him in the night as he was now, drenched in blood and sweat, but in the light it seemed a harsher thing. As though night could blanket them and make their reality less severe... 

Ken slowly looked to him. His eyes were wild, was the first thought that entered his mind. His normally bright, cheerful eyes were shaded and dark, mixed with pain and despair. But still wild. There was still something crazy lingering there. 

"I'll go," Omi said quietly. 

He turned. Aya's voiced stopped him. 

"Omi." 

Slowly, he looked over his shoulder to the older man. Aya stared at him hard, eyes suddenly so much more aware and alert than before. 

"I know," he said. "Thank you." 

Omi nodded wordlessly. Slipping through the door, Ken touched his arm briefly, hesitantly. v "It was an accident, Omi," he said softly. "Please believe that." 

Omi shook his arm from the grip. "Don't worry about it." 

He left them alone. It was not his place to be there. It would never be his place. What they shared, it was theirs alone, and he could never infringe on that. He could never be a part of that. Never have something like that... 

He knew, Aya said. But for Omi, it was not enough. 

It would never be enough. 


End file.
